What happens when we lean on our own understanding…

Last week I was so stressed out. I was obsessing over the details of little things and trying to control things that were outside of my control. It dawned on me that I was doing “IT” again. I was acting like I was GOD over my life. Many people fight with God over addictions, fornication, lying, alcoholism, etc. My sin is not lesser or greater than those but one thing for sure it is a sin. It is a sin that many of us don’t recognize. I’ve struggled with this since I got saved because I am a very analytical, somewhat perfectionist. I counsel people and families for a living so it is easy for me to point out others “mess” and help advocate for them and guide them to solutions. It is not easy for me to do that to myself.  And when I do it I take it too far and lack grace for myself. How Ironic, the counselor who needs counseling.

I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions. Thinking way too much, not resting well at night and in a constant state of stress and worry. You see my personality doesn’t immediately take well to sudden change and moving to a new state 6 months ago with hardly any friends and missing my family has been rough for me. Instead of me being open to embrace the new, I have been doing the opposite on most days, staying to myself, only wanting to hang out with my husband and just too stubborn to spend time with God to see what he’s trying to do in me in this season.

If you can learn anything from me it is to not do this to yourself. Embrace the beauty that is around you and stop allowing your past or past mindsets to takeover your life. I literally felt myself battling the changes occurring. It was as if I felt guilty for enjoying a joyous life. My husband is a God send in my life because he is the opposite of all of my weaknesses. He is not overly dramatic like me and he is always calm when things are not predictable or when chaos strikes. He sees clearly when all I see is fog. He looks at the bigger picture when I am always stuck in the details. He calms me. Now don’t get me wrong lol he can be my headache at times too. But you get what I’m saying. We are perfect for one another, because we are strong where each other is weak.

BUT, there is someone better than my husband who is for me, who wants the best for me and who doesn’t want me to stress about details and just to enjoy life, it is my creator. He gave me my husband so I know he gives good gifts. He brought me to a beautiful new home and state. He has amazing plans for me that I cannot see. HE is the one whom I need to run too and to keep me sane when my world seems uncertain. I’ve learned that I cannot do anything apart from the Lord. I need to make it a priority to ask him what he thinks about the little things, where he is taking me in this season and what he is trying to grow in me. Don’t fight back, just lean on HIM. TRUST HIM.

Proverbs 3:5-6 New Living Translation (NLT)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take

I struggle with anxiety. Something I have battled since a traumatic experience I had when I was a little girl. I’ve finally found the courage to ask for help in that area. I know church folk like to pray everything away, but God puts people in professional arenas with wisdom that HE gives to help them. God is so patient with us. I will no longer hide behind a “I’m okay, fake smile”. I will PRAY when I feel overwhelmed, I will talk to my community when I need them and I will NOT lean on my own understanding. When we don’t know, we go to the one who does know. So sorry if you thought my life was perfect, it is not. I struggle just like anyone else. My issue may look different from someone else’s but the verdict remains the same; we need the Lord to make it daily. So cheers to living and finding joy in the little things. When we are content in Christ it shows. God didn’t save us for us to walk around sullen and acting defeated. Embrace change and trust God throughout the journey. I know I will.

Love,

Katondra

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